Am I worthy?

(* Spoiler Alert! * This will contain elements of the Introductory and First Gwers of the Bardic Grade.)

I began the Bardic Grade with the Order of Bards, Ovates and Druids recently and the very first Gwers contains an Initiation ceremony to complete whenever you feel ready. I instantly decided that it wasn’t something I wanted to do until further on in the grade, so moved on and left it. I didn’t really think much about why I’d made this instant decision until I sat down to look at the second Gwers. I felt really frustrated that there seemed to be a block from stopping me from focusing properly to even read the first page. It suddenly dawned on me that there had been a lot of feelings surrounding my decision to leave the ceremony until later and I hadn’t given the proper time to exploring them. There was anxiety; fear in the pit of my stomach, ever-churning. Even as a Witch I’m not big on the full ceremonies and rituals and prefer to do things that are much simpler. It has been hard to find the time and quiet to give the proper time and attention, but also, I’m lazy. I have forever struggled with not being able to be fully motivated, and easily waste a lot of my precious time doing nothing. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it’s good to do nothing, and I’ve learned a lot about myself in those moments, but it also sometimes effects how much effort I put into things and ultimately, I’m the one that suffers in the long run.

The more I thought about the shadow parts of myself I began to become aware that there was a dreadful feeling of unworthiness wrapped up in it all too.

•          Was I being a fraud for starting this journey, and did this mean I was also a fraud for becoming a Witch?
•       Did I really deserve to be following these paths?

Completing an initiation ceremony and spending that extra time on performing longer rituals is serious business, and unconsciously it was a promise that I felt wasn’t one I deserved to make. Even since my spiritual experience when I felt the infinite love of the Divine I have questioned whether I really deserved it to happen to me. I suppose what’s important is that it did happen to me, but the unworthiness still has its claws in me and it’s hard to see how to escape. From my counselling training I know that I need to find out where it comes from and where it started, and like most things the seed was planted in my childhood. The feeling of being unworthy is one intermingled with the part of my personality that’s a people-pleaser. For reasons that are valid, and that I no longer hold resentment to, I didn’t get the attention that I probably needed as a child. I spent what seems like a lot of time in my room alone. I had to grow up quickly and learn to cope with things that no child, or family should have to face. As a result, I held a lot of feelings close to my chest, and I don’t think I always felt like I could talk to anyone or ask for help. In a lot of ways, it’s amazing how things like this can stay with you well into your adult life. I have explored being a people-pleaser in my own personal counselling sessions, but it seems that the feelings or unworthiness have managed to creep on, unseen.

And then, even after understanding more about why those feelings are there, it’s another challenging step to move past them. Relearning behaviour as an adult is one of the most difficult things there are, and the frustration associated with realising what you’re doing it wrong, but not having the skills to change it yet. I know I need to push myself to complete the initiation ceremony. I need to tell myself that I deserve to be a part of such a wonderful journey and see where it leads. Experiencing the Divine in such a powerful way happened for a reason, and I deserved it as much as anyone else. 

I am worthy.

At the last minute I decided to add my latest Instagram post which included a three-card reading. Truth be told I pulled these cards last night, before I'd thought about blogging, but even at that point I knew there was something going on inside of me and wanted some help to explore it more. I pulled these cards and then proceeded to stare at them for a long time before deciding it didn't make any sense and going to bed. It turns out they really were useful cards to pull, and I looked at them again after writing this blog.

Instagram: uncannymoonchild

"I am worthy... but it doesn't always feel like I am. 

The High Priestess reminds me that I should be patient with myself. I should trust my intuition and my natural instinct; this is the path I was meant to be on. There are still feelings that I haven't explored properly yet and I should make time to do this. I deserve to overcome them. 
The World encourages me to be positive. Things happen as they are supposed to and with perseverance and patience I will eventually overcome these obstacles and find fulfilment. 
The Six of Wands reminds me of my fears, but that success will be found through hard work.

As per usual there's a lot in all three cards about balance and patience , and after all this time I still haven't been able to fully get embrace these things. It's a constant battle, but I know that it's all about the journey and not the destination."